Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
