His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
