I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
