I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
