get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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