you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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