I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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