I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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