Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
