if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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