Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
