someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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