Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
