There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
