My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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