Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
