Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
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im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
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You made out with two different species that night
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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