I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Oh god it's open bar.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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