your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
