Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
