One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
