he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
