The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
