all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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