you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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