My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
