i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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