I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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