:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
