just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm passing your future prison.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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