I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?