i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
be right there i have to get my cape
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
