when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
