You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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