Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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