Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
