She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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