I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Every concussion has its silver lining
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Randomize
