Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Enjoy the penises
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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