I just threw up on my dentist
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
