I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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