We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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