Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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