I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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