She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
