i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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