I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
