I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
People in love make me want to vomit
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
