When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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