Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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