I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
