then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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