At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
