I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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