I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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