why didn't you poke me back
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
