remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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