You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
