Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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