I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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