i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
