I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
